Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Exactly What I Needed After My First Day of Class

Well, folks, I'm writing this at 4:15 in the morning because I can't sleep, and I haven't been asleep for several hours now. I'm on on-call duty tonight, and at 2:30 the desk worker called me. I won't get into the details of what's going on because it's really nothing major (and it's confidential anyway), but the actual incident isn't what's bugging me.

For this kind of situation we're supposed to write up reports. For the past year and a half, the report templates have been in the same place on each and every lobby desk computer. They changed where these reports are found, and I can't find it. So now a few people will be looking for this report in the morning, but won't be able to find it, because yours truly couldn't find the goddamn report template in the first place.

And here's where things get nasty. Anyone who's been around me long enough knows that I hate feeling stupid. Well, okay, no one actually likes feeling stupid, but I really, really, really hate feeling stupid. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if this whole thing is entirely my fault, mostly my fault, or only slightly my fault.

A slight policy violation on behalf of a support person I called is one thing. Not being able to find the report template, one of the most basic RA tasks of all, is another thing entirely. A part of me wants to blame RA training; not only did it dull our senses, but obviously the content didn't stick either – precisely, I would argue, because it dulled our senses. I remember the session during which we talked about the report template, and I remember them giving us a web address for it, but I can't find it in any of the handouts and I can't find it in my notes. Another part of me is also pissed off at a serious lack of organization that I see at all levels of this department, but I won't get into the details on that one.

And yet another voice in my head says, "Paul, you can blame anyone you want but the fact is you were given all of this information in training and failed to remember it or even act on it correctly. This isn't mostly your fault, this is all your goddamn fault."

Now, that last voice is the same one that used to berate me for truly minor mistakes and I've learned to mostly ignore that little fucker. It used to pretty much be the only voice in my head. It hasn't been around for a few years now, but occasionally, especially when something like this happens, it plops down on my sofa, cracks a beer, and makes itself at home for a few hours. Sometimes writing about it helps, sometimes not. I think tonight it has.

Finally, and I didn't fully realize this until just now, there's something else going on in my life that I really can't write about here but has definitely been on my mind lately. No details; I'm afraid talking about it will ruin it.

Okay. I'm going to try to sleep now.

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