Saturday, July 10, 2004

Back in the saddle.

Well, here we go again. I've blogged before but I think my account probably died a slow, painful death due to my blithe neglect. Sorry 'bout that.

Ask me why I'm writing again. Go ahead.

I'm writing again because the next two years might be two of the most interesting of my life. This is for three reasons: first, having finally realized that I should follow my calling instead of stock options, I'm back in school pursuing a degree in Secondary Education. Second, I've taken up whitewater kayaking, an activity which will certainly bring some excitement, if not injury, to my life. Third, something very strange happened last night.

Some history about the strange thing:

My exgirlfriend M-A once told me that I had an emotional wall through which no one could pass. This wall, she said, was so integral to my personality that she didn't think I even knew it was there. She said this during one of our breakups, and I've since noticed that one tends to go for one's lover's jugular when things turn shitty, so maybe she didn't mean it entirely.

Still, the phrase has stuck with me. I haven't dated anyone seriously since M-A, so I've had many opportunities to think it over. This "thinking it over" business usually happens at night, in bed. Alone.

Last night I was in bed, alone. I started thinking about the various romantic interests going on in my life right now. I'm single, let's be clear about that. But there are a few women I'd like to get to know better, one of whom flashed me an amazing smile the other night. So I was thinking about this woman, whose name is K-, and conjuring up our lives together. Soon I started drifting and thinking about several things at once as you do before sleep really hits.

A voice said, "I'm ready to be accepted."

What the fuck?

It jarred me awake with the clarity and immediacy of an alarm clock. Laying there in the dark, I realized I'd said it aloud and not just in dream-talk, that weird telepathy that can interpret noises like "booshaboosha" as messages from the divine. I'd said the words, and I meant them: I hadn't been ready to be accepted for the first 32 years of my life, but something changed last night. It changed for the better, and permanently.

It seemed like a substantial and important moment, ripe with new opportunities, but the profound usually curdles in daylight. Stay tuned.


Blogger Bobby said...


6:29 PM  
Blogger mary ann said...

Viva for Paul writing again! This is terribly exciting.

11:03 PM  
Blogger Casey Jones said...


I like what I've seen so far of your work, back-tracking to the beginning. Your words left an impact.

Yeah. The wall sucks. But at least it means there's real estate.

Here's hoping the girl with the smile will smile on you again.

See you around.

7:06 PM  

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